untitled

I find that anymore it's too easy to lose myself in expectancies and expectations. I find an idea or a possibility and want to hold onto it as though it's somehow real. Too often I find myself discarding rational thought that would force me to realize that I can't grasp the illusive and fluid - believing instead that if I somehow cling tightly enough, sheer will alone could turn the intangible into something concrete... something capable of being molded to suit my needs and desires.

Like all illusions, the mirage inevitably fades and I'm left seemingly empty handed - save for the stark reality  and lingering of my misconception left to remind me of what was once there.

This reality (forced upon me) illuminates the dark... insisting that I see what was once shadowed by delusion and chimera. Feeling blinded and overwhelmed, I try to grasp what was never there in an effort to shield myself... to regain the illusion - there is comfort in  'what I think I know' and the harshness of 'what is' seems unbearable. Yet, when I try hiding in the the shadows again, I find they no longer offer the sanctuary I had convinced myself they offered. I'm left with only what is real to find the comfort I so desperately need and I have to find a way to move forward again.

I realize that it's only when I'm standing naked in the light that I can move forward.