TMI Thursday: Boobs of a Mom

It's time for LiLu's TMI Thursdays.

"Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!"

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WARNING:

If we're related,

Thursday posts are off limits!

I mean it...

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How many of you clicked here because it said boobs... be honest... yeah, that's what I thought... perverts.

So, It's no secret that I have big boobs... and by "big," I mean huge.

Not like this...

That's just weird.

Anyway, the ta-tas are huge.

During our little stay in the hospital those la leche boob mongers kept coming in to "help" and everyone had to comment on me having "great" equipment. Uh... like it isn't awkward enough that you keep grabbing my boob...? (Carey, I love you and I'm certain you aren't a boob monger)

Then I have the "useless to the baby" boob. Only one frigging boob works, the other has been damaged by a medical (instead of cosmetic) surgery. This means that I have one side full of milk and the other is not... it's just full of boob stuff, whatever that is. (emails explaing what the jugs are made of aren't necessary, I don't care)

All of this means they're scary. Not scary like this:

but scary like I'm lopsided for the time being and totally capable of suffocating my kid.

When I first started nursing, my husband would come to double check and make sure the kid could breathe. He did it just this morning. (I'm glad he trusts me so much.) In some positions I have to use my finger to make sure she has a little area that her nose fits into so she can breathe. Really, nothing is scarier then feeding your kid, hearing this huge gasp for breath, looking down, and realizing that your HUGE BOOB just blocked all of the kids air passages.

Mom of the year shit right there I tell you.

Oh and then there's the pumping. How fun is that??

Yeah, I get to stick my one, already sore, overworked boob into this machine that tries super hard to suck my nipple off. Word to the wise: don't EVER look to see what it looks like when you're attached to the milking machine. The look from the front is ridiculous enough.

You know dude it totally tweeting what's going on. "Yeah, sitting next to some dummy" (heh... yeah I went there)

Seriously, does it not look like we could be put in the dairy's milking parlor?

That's what I'm saying!

Anyway I was saying, don't look down. That stupid little suction thing really is trying to suck your nipple off. It looks like it's stuck in some vortex of torture and at any minute your poor nip is just going to go flying off and land in your coffee or something.

For the guys who are still reading at this point: trust me... you don't want to look. Even if you aren't bothered by the nipple ripping torture machine stretching your girls poor nips to limits previously thought impossible, you WILL have an incredibly odd, mystified look on your face that will make her cry for at least 2 hours.

Yeah, try calming her down then. She's just had a kid, still full of baby weight and looking 6 months pregnant, someone at the grocery just rubbed her belly and asked when she was due while she was holding the teeny tiny newborn, she's just almost suffocated the kid with her boob, finished nursing, has been barfed on, needs a shower, hasn't shaved or waxed in at least a month, the baby just woke up again and wants to suckle instead of nurse, she's attached to Satan's machine, and then sees you making a "wtf" face... shit is hitting the fan.

Not that we know from experience or anything.

Now, for you deviants who stuck around and feel slighted by this post:

** TOTALLY NOT MY BOOBS**

sorry, Ed.