TMI Thursday: Toys

It's time for LiLu's TMI Thursdays.

"Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!"

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This isn't exactly a secret... but it also isn't something I advertise.

I'm scared shitless of talking toys.

Yes, you read that correctly, I am scared of talking toys. I have this irrational fear that these talking, moving, battery operated toys are going to come to life and try to kill me. I swear they are plotting against my family and recruiting all the other toys into their little cult of sadistic anhilation of the human population... and they are going to start with my family.

I'm also afraid of dolls.

Stop laughing.

Hey this isn't so unheard of y'all. Did you not know about Chucky? uh-huh! see? That sadistic little shit is EXACTLY what I'm talking about. How about 'Devil's Gift'? or 'Dolly Dearest'? of course there's 'Puppet Master'.

I am not completely out of my mind. There really are murderous toys out there, albeit in movies, but they're out there. PLUS most are now operated by little computer components. 'Terminator' anyone? or 'Maximum Overdrive'? The computers in my kids toys are trying to kill me.

So, now that y'all are ready to have call the men in white coats to bring me my "I-love-me-jacket" and take me to my padded suite, I'll tell you what started this rant.

The other day the Marine picked out a new little toy for Bug.

Cutest little dog isn't it?

It's Fisher Price and totally educational and loud and cute and loud and random and loud. I really didn't mind they toy all that much and my kid is just ate up with it, so it came home. I can't tell you just how many songs and phrases this thing has, but it's a lot. I've never sat and listened to them all; however, I'm certain that I will know them all and be able to recite them by heart and in appropriate order by Saturday. She loves this dog.

Now, y'all don't be fooled by this little guy's seemingly sweet appearance. This thing is sentient and is out to get me.

The other day I put Bug in her crib to play while I took a shower and when I got out she was grumping. I threw on a towel and went to go get her. As I leaned over the crib rail, my towel dropped... on freaking cue this deceivingly sweet toy says, "Peek-a-boo, I see you." I froze mid pick-up of the kid and stared at the toy. Of course, my irrational fears were kicking in, but I marked it up to coincidence and sent a text to a friend laughing it off.

Well, this creepy little puppy has done this one too many times over the past few days. I don't ever hear this toy say, "peek-a-boo, I see you" unless I have walked into the room. I just walked into the kiddo's room to check on her while she naps. The room was completely dark, she's snoring peacefully in her crib, I get half-way into the room, and I hear it... "peek-a-boo, I see you"

I swear I jumped out of my skin, screamed, and may or may not have pee'd myself.

Of course, Bug is now awake, crying because the demon toy scared the shit out of mommy & I in turn woke her out of peaceful slumber by screaming (mom of the year?).

I'm removing the batteries from this thing.

That is all.